Isn't this the most amazing picture of the Zodiac sign Cancer!? Wizard Barbie is hanging out on firefly beach with a giant crab! In front of the L'Église de la Madeleine! I feel it really captures who I am...
So this is it. One week’s worth of horoscopes taken from the prestigious Ottawa 24hr magazine. And what did I get from it? First, today's horoscope:
March 25
Horoscope: Your cleverness is paying off at work, as you contribute with competence and skill. Play with it. Defuse your cleverness by being willing to laugh at yourself. Rating 7/10.
What really happened: It is only 2 o'clock but I honestly can't be bothered to sit in front of a computer on my day off (Saturday tomorrow) - might spill wine on the key board (Hi Aunt Patti!), so I'm only reporting on a quarter of the day. So far so good. Had a donut. Expecting a raise but will be humble about it.
Verdict: This morning, as I was reading this at the bus stop in -19 weather next to a guy with a mug saying "Give 'er!", I finally realized what Ottawa 24hr horoscope folk were trying to do. They don't want their streets littered with Cancerian bodies! Cadavers of bored people who have slashed their wrists with the nearest poutine box or rammed beavertails down their throats till they choked on their own vomit! How clever! According to this week's horoscope, I am brilliant, clever, witty, and talented and my boss really loves me! That’ll keep me going for awhile, no matter how accurate my horoscope really is. And no matter how much I walk around this city shaking my head... Thanks Ottawa 24hrs!
PS: Stay tuned for next week's experiment on how to write a successful novel in a week.
Still at it. Let’s see what those Ottawa horoscope people have to say about March 24...
Horoscope: You're good at what you do, and others are recognizing that. Your optimism and friendly nature add to the project. Use diplomacy and attention to detail for best results. Rating: 7/10
What really happened: First of all, I'd like to explain to my worried Aunt Patti (who obviously from her concerned facebook comments has just read this blog) that I am not a bitter alcoholic. For example, I haven't had a drink yet today! This blog is merely an outlet to make sense of why I gave up bathtubs of champagne, inspiring culture and beautiful Parisian friends to live next to a chip truck in Ottawa. It must be duly noted that I wake up every night next to my beautiful man, baby and cat and feel absolutely blessed. Actually they usually have ALL the bed and covers. I have bed edge and if lucky find a facecloth on the floor to act as blanket. It’s usually next to the beer bottles. (Hah! Just joking Aunt Patti!).
Anyway, "good at what I do"! - "others recognizing that"! - that must mean my boss! I just knew I scored points by listening to his advice on how to properly shoot a handgun yesterday! Oh blessed day!
Verdit: Reading this horoscope over, it almost seems like a pep-talk from a McDonald’s manager to his pimply staff, attention to detail meaning get the pickles centered on the damn cheeseburger. They never are FYI.
Day three of horoscope test.
Horoscope: You have the talent, energy, skills and commitment to make ir work. Don't rush the job though, or risk missing something key. Embrace a new direction. Rating 6/10.
What really happened: Woke up hungover - and at my age it is not the glamorous, charming hungover of Catherine Hepburn in The Philidelphia Story but more the "did shots of Jack with my rock and roll brothers and now look like Mickey Rourke" hungover. Classy. Met rock and roll brother Muddy (who was NOT hungover) in China town for dim sum and business meeting. Actually I should say I met Muddy on China town as, like every "community" in Ottawa, the community is really one street with some restaurants and ethnic signs. I will not go into how sad this makes me. Bottles of Tsingtao later and an ingenious business plan written on napkin, stumble back to work, kick pink heels out of the way (see Monday) and write usual suck up emails to the boss. Moment of sadness on hearing the passing of Liz Taylor.
Verdict: These horoscopes are starting to make me feel I'm reading a self-help book. Sure. Seeing new business plan was developed and I certainly wasn't rushing, perhaps this was a little on the mark. However, Ottawa is still boring,
By the way here are the brothers: http://www.myspace.com/thewattersbrothers
Show coming up April 2 at Zaphod. Somthing to do in town besides drink 50 on the street,
Any truth to the Ottawa 24hrs horoscope? we'll see... Day 2 of experiment.
March 22nd
Horoscope: Social changes around you provide obstacles to skip around. Use your abilities to navigate any tricky terrain, and let any emotions out. Rating 6/10.
What really happened: What the hell does that mean? Are they talking about the Harper government budget plan? Skip? Terrain? Isn't that made with rabbit?
Yesterday was so dull I kept no memory of it, except for the occasional "helpful comment" about blog writing. Thanks "friends". Glad all your projects are coming along so swimmingly. Also, my usual suck-up-to-my-boss routine was at an all time high. I haven't started licking anything yet, but I'm sure that would be an improvement over my reactive hysterical laughter to all his jokes. Maybe that's what the horoscope is referring to by "letting any emotions out". Or maybe the word "emotions" is horoscope lingo for "puke"? Ran out of wine in record time last night.
Verdict: For a Tuesday horoscope, this was much too unclear. My cat Toni predicted my day better than this.
This week, in a desperate attempt to save me from dying of boredom in Ottawa, I have decided to see if my daily horoscope holds any truth.
For your information I am a Cancer. In general this is the sign for wimps that pretend to be tough guys. Apparently we like making casseroles and petting puppies - roughly. Sure.
The horoscope being used in this experiment is from the back page of the free daily publication Ottawa 24hrs.
Monday March 21
Horoscope: You want to play and have a burning need to create. Don't stress on the details. Let your talent and appreciation for beauty imagine a fresh new direction. Write it down. Rating: 7/10 (Note: 10 is the easiest day / 1 the most difficult)
What really happened: After reading horoscope on the bus, decided that today was the day to start the novel I’ve been planning for over 7 years. At work decided my creative self deserved a two hour lunch break during which I bought a pair of pink, six inch heels and contemplated general shoplifting. Back at work, wore heels around office so that coworkers could openly admire my talent and appreciation for beauty. After about the twentieth trip to the photocopier, decided people in Ottawa have no taste. Applied for job in New York. Went home and ploughed through a bottle of wine.
Verdict: Unless shoes that make you look like a hooker count for “new direction”, I’d say that this horoscope was pretty much an attempt from the writers at 24hrs to stop all Cancerians from killing themselves on a Monday morning. Thanks guys.
